‘Under water fish crane’ – (a monologue about death)
I was at a friends house a few months ago and took my camera with me as Becky wanted some photos of her daughter Holly in her old baby gowns. It was a calm Saturday afternoon and in between brief chats about life, there were lessons about life.
I love this about the ‘day to day’…it’s a huge pot of diversity and gives us the opportunity to learn from our children and also teach them. I admit, I didn’t teach my son all he needed to know, I did my best as a young mum. I remember vividly the time he put metal in the microwave. The noise it made was intense, there was also an impromptu fireworks display in my kitchen. All I could do was laugh. We looked at each other and smiled at what had just happened. I calmly said “THAT my dear, is why forks must stay out of the microwave”.
I believe that we aren’t raising ‘children’ we are raising ‘adults’. We raise our children with the intention of them being well rounded, honest, brave (insert any descriptors that are important values to you) humans in society. The way we teach our children is in the ‘everydayness’ of life.
Becky and I were in the garden foraging for delicious Black Boy peaches (is that even PC?) when I picked up a manky looking object. It looked like a stretched balloon full of seeds and the remnants of eyes and stretchy balloon legs of some sort. Finn (4) came over to question what had happened to ‘Under water fish crane’. (I smirked at the name as its Finn to a tea, he’s a bright creative little boy). Becky started by saying that he was left out in the sun and that he had fallen apart. You could see Finn’s brain ticking over…
Finn’s grandad passed away recently (in the last few months) so there has been talk of death in the house. Becky talks openly with Finn as he is one of those kids that question everything in detail. He is “an endless source of inspiration”…(although he does challenge her at times).
All of a sudden reality hit poor Finn, that ‘Under water fish crane’ had in fact ‘died. That he wasn’t the beautifully crafted colourful balloon filled with wheat that he once was. I stepped back to give them their sacred space to share this moment of impact. Finn fell dramatically (thats his personality) into her arms and cried. For Finn the loss of his Grandad was huge and the loss of his toy was a triggering reminder. He was full of questions for the week after he passed away from cancer and wasn’t prepared to accept quickly that he wouldn’t physically see him anymore. What Becky did to support him through this was beautiful, she provided him with a valuable life lesson. She put a photo of him beside his bed so that Finn could kiss him goodnight and that if needed, he could go and talk to him. She also told him that he was now in the stars and at night he would shine down on him while he slept. I admire this in Becky. I admire that she taught him about death on a level that he could relate to. I don’t know if I did that with my son, in fact fortunately I don’t think I had the opportunity.
Death IS part of life, we all know that but choose to push it to the backs of our minds, we don’t want to visit that feeling, but in order for us to support people through loss of a child, parent or friend we need to experience the pain ourselves. By Becky teaching him about the death of Grandad and ‘Under Water Fish Crane’ in such an honest way, she is also teaching him how to have empathy and compassion, a value that is so precious in society.
Its in these little moments that we can create the biggest impact on society, for our children are our future (insert bad singing “I believe the children are our future….)
Thank you Becky for allowing me to share such a raw and real moment in Finns world.
